Lost and Broken

I have not posted to my blog in a while because I have been struggling emotionally, physically and mentally. When I am down in the dumps, I have the tendency to shut everything out. I know it is a bad way of coping, but that is how I have been my entire life. I go to private, personal therapy once a week, and I also go to group therapy once a week. It is something I really need to work on, but at the moment in time, I am not ready to deal with that. My therapist says I need to work on other things first, such as loving myself. Crazy right? I love to reach out and help others. I love to smile. I love to see other people smile. Yet, I do not think highly of myself. I have always had a low self-esteem, so my therapist is working with me on this in private and group sessions. The past couple of months have been so trying. I have been so scared and terrified of the unknown. I continue to run fevers. I have had to go to the ER twice. Once for stroke like symptoms and seizures and another time because I collapsed on my way to an appointment. I hate being this enigma, this zebra, this puzzling patient that nobody can figure out what the heck is going on with my body. I had to go to a hematologist/oncologist last week because my blood levels keep dropping. My body isn't producing blood as quickly as it should. My white blood cell count is pretty low (3) at the moment, along with red blood cell count, hemaglobin and hematocrit are low. My HCT (hematocrit) dropped 2 points in under two weeks. There is a big question as to whether it has to do with my bone marrow production or other. Doctors are trying not to do anything invasive at this time, if possible, for fear that I will bleed out if they do. It is frustrating for many because they don't understand why the doctors don't just go exploring and try to find the cause. But since I am "stable", we agreed it is safer to do the less invasive tests first. I don't want to bleed out and I know the doctor doesn't want me bleeding out on his watch. They are keeping a close eye on my white blood cell count. The word "leukemia" came up, but as of right now, all is clear, thank goodness. I have to do a 24 hour urine collection for more tests. I continue to battle daily migraines. On a pain scale with zero being no pain at all, and 10 being the worst pain that one has ever experienced, my baseline pain is 5-6 on a daily basis. I never say my pain is a 10, because it can always get worse. The pain for the rest of my body has been a 9 the past few days. It hurts so bad just to walk. I wince and cry out in pain. I am so lost right now and so scared. I am sinking into this deep, deep depression because I am battling so many unknowns. I have no control over my flare-ups and attacks. I am stressed to the max about finances. I don't know how we are going to make it through this. It doesn't help that I have to keep having more tests done. I am not giving up. I am just so scared right now, but I know that this too shall pass.