Today, I let the tear drops fall...

My plans for the day was to have a date day with my husband, because he had a day off and I was crossing toes and fingers that I would feel well enough to go out. Our date day turned out to be an outing at the Dr.'s office. My right leg keeps going numb, which causes me to fall. I have been falling more frequently, and most often it is out of the blue. My left leg has gone numb a couple of times, but for the most part it is my right let. My thigh has severe, burning pain. I am unable to lift my leg when I lie down, I am unable to raise my thigh when I sit down. No biggie, I've been working on strengthening it, but so far I am not winning. We ended up at the Dr.'s office today and he told me that I needed to get a "walking stick", either a cane or a walker.

We've joked about this for weeks, but mentally and emotionally I really didn't think I was there yet. My husband tried to take me to look for one after our appointment and I just couldn't do it. I broke down in tears and sobbed.

I am so confused. I have no idea where my life is going. I hate that I have become a hermit. I'm sure that if I were to die tonight nobody would even notice I was gone, other than my family and close friends that see me. I have been a hermit for over a year now and it is hard. More and more of my independence is being taken away from me. I don't know who I am anymore. My name is Amber, but I am not the same Amber that I was 2 years ago. I still smile, sing terribly, and attempt to dance when able, but it's just not the same. I am wasted space that sits in Grandma's chair and does research and work with Chronic Migraine Awareness support group. I will tell you more about that later.

Tonight I am feeling defeated, so, so defeated. I just want to curl up like a potato bug and cry my eyes out. Maybe after I unravel, I will find myself pain free. Living with daily pain takes so much out of me. But I try to do the best that I can. As long as my pain level is at an 8 or below, I can function. I don't dare drive too far, for my own safety as well as others. I HATE having to depend so much on others. I hate that I can't do the things I want to do. I hate that because of my stupid migraines my children and husband have to suffer. I hate that I can't be there for my family the way that I want to be. I hate that I can't plan my life.

I am 35 years old. I have to use a catheter to pee and now I have to use a "walking stick" when I am up and walking around. I am 35, yet I feel like I am 105. Please, just make it stop.

I heard this song tonight, and it just spoke to me.