I woke up with a pretty bad migraine, but I opted to get out of bed and try to be productive. I know I should not feel guilty, but I do. It is so hard for me to ask for help and to receive help. My Neuro-psychologist told me on Friday that I cannot do no more than two hours of activity at a time. Then I have to rest for two hours. He says that if my body says it is ok to continue, then I can, if not, I should not push myself. He said it will actually do more harm than good by trying to keep pushing through the pain. He made me promise him, so I did. But, still, it does not make it any easier for me and make me feel any less guilty. He says if I feel guilty or if people get upset because I have to stop and rest, then to send the guilt and the unhappy people to him. He says he is doing this for my own good, this is the only way I am going to get better.
 |
| Not feeling guilty is one of the hardest things for me to do. |
I was able to get some stuff organized, but then I just had to stop. My body said no more. I have had to straight cath most of the day. Last nights dinner did not taste as great coming out as it did going in. But these are the things I struggle with almost every day of my life. I do not blog about this for you to feel sorry for me and think that I am asking for pity. I started this blog to help educate people about how difficult it is for one to live with debilitating migraines that cause excruciating pain, not in my head, but throughout my entire body.
Sometimes when I have a flare-up, I spike a temp, which is what happened today. I have been feeling pretty rotten. I have no idea why I get fevers. I also break out in hives when I get migraines. My legs turn purple due to Reynaud's Phenomenon. I have to force myself to eat because of the gastroparesis and migraines. I have my great days, good days, not so great days, and bad days, but I keep on pushing on.
People ask, how do you do it? Well, what other choice do I have? Sometimes I take things a minute at a time. I can't worry about what the future holds. I have to focus on the here and now and what I can do to get me back to being myself.
All day long I have just wanted to cry. I am so emotional. I have a lot that I am dealing with and sometimes it is just too much. I had an anxiety attack earlier when the migraine pain became so intense and I was trying to figure out our finances. Life would be so much easier if we didn't have to worry about money. But somehow, someway, things always work out. I am feeling okish at the moment. Still in pain, but it has decreased and I can see, so I wanted to do a quick post before heading to bed.
Most of the time I don't even know if anybody even reads this, which I don't even care. Writing about my journey, how I am feeling, if I am progressing, voicing my concerns and thoughts is very healing for me. I write for myself. Writing is good for my mental and emotional health.
My Cefaly device should be here tomorrow. I am interested to see how it works and very curious as to whether it will help or not.
I wish I could plan my life, but I never know when I am going to have a flare-up. A huge trigger is any shift in barometric pressure. I can feel it before the storm even rolls in.
Some days I feel so inadequate and I feel like my life has no meaning. I know that it does, but when you aren't able to do much on your own, it is very hard not getting depressed. I find it very difficult when I grieve the old Amber. She is still here, she is just buried amongst all the pain.
I may be a zebra. I may have some rough days. I may have some down right shitty days (sorry for swearing), but I always find the strength to keep going and never give up. I always try to find things to smile about. I try not to complain.I know that there are so many people out there far worse than me. Every single one of us have our own battles.We can let our battles define us, or we can try to find solutions. I have chosen to look for solutions. I am never going to give up and I am never going to stop smiling.
No comments:
Post a Comment