Lost My Smile

I am going on day 15 of fighting the same migraine. It is a monster and every day for the past 15 days have been pure misery. I hurt everywhere. My head is throbbing incessantly. I am uber sensitive to smells, sounds and lights. I seriously just want to curl up in the fetal position and not move. The pain is so bad that I wish I were dead. Just because I wish I were dead, does not mean that I am suicidal, because I am not. The thought of taking my own life has never crossed my mind. I just want some relief. I cannot function. Tears keep streaming down my face because I hurt so much. I have no appetite. I have to force myself to eat.

I have told my husband and Jamie that they don't need to worry about me unless I lose my sarcasm, smile and have no desire to dance. Well, I have no sarcasm, smile or desire to dance. I just want to hide under the covers and pray that the pain will let up a little bit so that I can relax or sleep.

I hurt. The past few days my lower back down by my sacrum and iliac crest have been very painful. It feels like something is pinching me. It seems I have lost my ability to void independently because I am in such excruiating pain. I have to straight cath at least 5 times a day.

I called neurologist office today to inform him that I am on day 15 of debilitating migraine. He was in a meeting when I called, but the receptionist said she would make sure he called me. The day has come and gone and he has not phoned.

My dear, sweet Jamie came over today, just to be with me because she knows how depressed I have become because of all this pain. She hung out with me for hours. Her husband drove my girls to dance. She didn't want to leave me, in case the neuro called and could get me in. I was hoping he could do a nerve block, but he never called, so here I sit with tears rolling down my cheeks because I hurt so bad. how can I be on the computer when I hurt so bad? It helps me to release these feelings and get them out.

I am depressed. Who wouldn't be if they suffered 15 consecutive days of excruiating pain? I can't do anything. My house is a disaster, but I get wiped out doing the most minimal tasks. This is so hard for me. I am not a lazy person, I like to be productive. If I make it downstairs to the chair instead of lying in my bed, it's a great accomplishment for me.

The stigma that a migraine is just a headache is a joke. If you want to see what it is really like, come and spend a day or two with me and you will see that there is definitely more to it than just a headache.

I am still trying to find a rheumatologist. I made several phone calls, but kept hitting brick wall.

I don't know the plan. I don't know what my body is doing inside, all I know is that I am miserable and hurting something fierce. I don't mean to be a complainer, I know there are so many so much worse off than me, but right now I just want the pain to ease up a little bit. Hearing my heart pump the blood through my body isn't the most relaxing sound, especially when I am trying to rest and ease my pain. I haven't showered in days, so that alone should give you a clue as to how much I hurt.

I am usually happy and find joy in the little things, but all my brain can think about is the pain. Pain, pain go away!