The ups, the downs and the fear of what lies ahead.

This has been a really rough week for me, only because I feel like I am getting worse instead of making a little progress. Earlier in the  week, my left leg went completely y numb from hip to toes. I was trying to get the school room (room designated for girls to do homework, free from distractions) picked up a little bit. I was hanging a calendar on a bulletin board and when I stepped away, my leg went numb, with no warning. I fell backwards, landed on containers that I was organizing, and I finished it off by knocking into the easel and falling to the ground. It was so loud, but my husband and girls say they didn't hear it. The dogs did, they were barking incessantly. This happened within minutes of everybody going to bed.

I just laid in there on the floor for a few minutes and attempted to get back up. I seemed o.k. I had to go downstairs, and after I had gone down about 3 stairs, my left leg went numb again. So I fell all the way down to the bottom. I was on my back and my head hit a couple stairs. I made it to the recliner, Mallory came down because she heard it. She went and got Rick and he came and helped carry me to bed. 

This picture makes me look so creepy, I have no make-up and keep my hair tied up because it hurts when the hair moves and rubs on my forehead.

I made it to bed, and I ended up sleeping until noon. I did not wake up once to use the restroom throughout the night. I didn't feel the urge to go, but I tried anyway. I couldn't not go on my own so I straight cathed. I got 850 ml's of urine. 

My body was I extreme pain from head to toe. I could barely walk and if I had an axe, I would have highly considered using the axe. 

This saying can be applied to bad weeks, months and years. There are days that I literally feel that I can't make it one more day, but somehow I find the strength to make it through one more day. 

I feel horrible that I am consistently in bed trying to find strength to heal and have the ability to care for my beautiful girls.

So far, we had made many sacrifices so the girls can stay in dance. They love it so much and it will tear my heart out if they cannot continue doing dance because of financial obligations. I will do whatever it takes, but I have told the girls that dance might not be an option next year.

Having an invisible illness causes others to think, "but you don't look sick". Maybe I don!t look sick because I have my brave face on  and try very hard to smile and act like I am feeling ok. I don't want pity. I don't want others to think I do this for attention. I try to smile and be as brave as I can. 

This has not been an easy year for us, but we keep dancing forward.  If my suffering is able to help at least one person, then I did not suffer in vain. 

It scares me that I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I don't dwell on it. I appreciate each new day.

I love with every beat of my heart. I love deeply. I find joy in the little things. 

My Chronic Migraine Awareness hoodie. These are sold a couple times a year to help raise funding for research. They are also used to help raise awareness.

I never know  what may be, but until then...