Another MRI

A couple of weeks ago, I told you that I was going to tell you all about my journey, since I sort of started this blog in the the middle without a background history. I still intend to do that, but I have not done it yet. I have been really struggling emotionally and mentally and I can't seem to make myself sit down and write about it. In my head, if I don't talk or write about it, then it isn't real. None of this is really happening. Truthfully, I know this isn't the case, but that is how I dealing with it all right now. I am shutting it out instead of facing it. I know this is not healthy, but for today, this is what I have to do.

Wanna know the truth? I am scared shitless, I apologize for swearing, but there is no other way for me to describe it. I never know what tomorrow will bring, let alone a few hours from now. I live in fear every day, every moment, not knowing what is going to happen. I try to keep my brave face on and keep moving forward, but I am having a very difficult time doing that right now. I find myself crying... a lot. I have become this hermit that shows her face for doctor appointments, to pick up prescriptions and events that my daughters are in. We leave as quickly as possible. I have to depend on others, frequently, to drive me somewhere because I am unable to drive most days.

I think that I am grieving. I am grieving because I am not the Amber that I used to be. I am not the Amber that I want to be. I feel like I am just taking up wasted space. I don't know how else to say it. Pain has changed me. Living with severe pain on a daily basis can wear one down in a hurry. I wish I could say I was a drug addict, because I can fix that. No, I am not a drug addict. I rarely take any narcotics, because I know they can do as much damage as good.  I do take valium at night, for two reasons: 1)I clench my jaw when I sleep, it is supposed to help that, 2)Anxiety, I have had anxiety most of my life. We have learned that my body sleeps, but my brain does not. So, I have to take something at night to calm my brain down so that it can sleep. I also have ambien that I take if I am unable to fall asleep after 15 minutes. Recently I have had more nights that I don't take it, then I do. I have found music therapy and meditation to help me. I am not ashamed to say that I need help sleeping. Sleep is a huge contributor to my migraines.

I am seeing a new neurologist, Dr. Robert Hoesch, because Nina Riggins is gone. He referred me to a Neuropsychologist that works in his same office. His name is David Ranks. I have one on one sessions monthly. He does a meditation class every Wednesday that I attend, when I am able. He also does a couples therapy class every Wednesday that is amazing. Rick has agreed to go with me on the days that he does not work. I can attend the class by myself if he has to work.

I am also seeing a Neuro-Physiatrist, that works with Dr. Hoesch, to see if he can help me with my bladder issues. When I had my first appointment with him, he walked in and was very quiet as he looked over my records. Then he looked up and said "I am stumped, you are a zebra"! He is now the second doctor to call me a zebra. A zebra is a term used in the medical field when they cannot figure out what is wrong with the patient.

For now, Dr. Parley Williams, the Physiatrist is trying to retrain my bladder. I have to go every 3 hours. If I can't go independently, then I have to cath. I have to keep accurate records of my intake and output. So, basically, I get to be my own nurse. More details on this later.

I have to go for MRI first thing in the morning. This will be my 5th MRI since October 2012. This MRI is of my spine, focusing soley at the base of my spinal cord, contrast will be used. It's not the MRI that I fear, I actually find MRI's to be very relaxing because of the rhythmic beats. Since I am a music connoisseur, I distract myself by focusing on the rhythm and beats per measure.

I am having this MRI because I have had several bad falls from my leg going numb out of the blue. It used to be my right leg only, but my left leg has started as well. My right leg is by far more worse than my left. I woke up this morning and I could not even feel my leg. I knew it was there because I could see it, I just couldn't feel it. I have also been having severe back pain. Plus, nobody has been able to figure out my bladder issues. I hate that everybody is stumped and that I am the statistic. Why can't I be cut and dry, just once?  I am scared. I am so frightened. I don't know what is in store. All I know is I am finding it harder and harder to find my brave face. I cry over everything.

I AM SCARED OF THE UNKNOWN!