Grieving

I am a Misfit and a Warrior!

Although I have not officially died, I feel like a big part of me has died. These past couple of weeks, I have really been grieving the "old me". I am grieving because as time goes on, I feel like I am falling apart. I am grieving because I am not dependable. I can't make plans in advance because I never know when I will have a flare up. I try not to make advanced plans because I don't want to viewed as "flaky" because I have to cancel at the last  moment. Even though I have a great support system, I feel so alone and depressed. I am depressed because I am no longer the girl that I used to be, otherwise depression wouldn't even be an issue right now.

The death of Amy, a member of Chronic Migraine Awareness (CMA), hit me really hard.

I don't want to lose the battle with migraines along with all my other medical issues. I am determined to spread migraine awareness. I am not trying to raise awareness solely for my benefit. I want to raise awareness so more funds can be added to aid in migraine research and studies. I am doing it so people won't have to suffer day in and day out like me and all the other chronic migraineurs out there.

As a Mom, it is so hard not feeling guilty. I don't want my girls growing up and hating me for the rest of my life because I was always sick. I hate that I can't do the things I want to do, or be as involved with them at school. I am not going to lie, I am living a really rough life right now. But I do everything in my power to be there for my girls. There are times I need help and I have the hardest times asking for receiving help. I love to serve others, but it is hard for me to accept help. I feel as though I will be viewed as lazy.  Right now, my house is sick because I have not been able to clean it fully in over two weeks.  I cannot sleep knowing there is so much to be done. I feel guilty that I have to ask people for help in getting my girls to dance. I feel guilty lying in bed while others are cleaning the house, cooking dinner; tasks that I should be doing because I am the Mom. My Psychologist tells me to let go of the guilt, but I just don't know how.

I grieve the girl that was always happy, dancing and singing anytime, anywhere. I taught my girls early on to sing like nobody is listening and dance like nobody is watching, and they do. Rick is even starting to interact and be silly with the girls, without me coaxing him.

I get so frustrated when I can't remember what was said. I get so embarrassed when I am right in the middle of talking to somebody and I completely blank out for about 30 seconds. When I come to, I always have to ask what we were talking about. I forget complete conversations I've had. I swear, I constantly look like the biggest idiot because I stutter, can't find the words, blank out mid-sentence, etc. Just another thing that I am grieving. I have sticky notes everywhere reminding me about everything going on in my life. I can no longer depend solely on my noggin.

I do the best that I can, but that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty about being an unavailable wife, mother, house keeper, etc.  I don't know what I was thinking when I chose this life, before I was born.

I still have to share my history, but I don't have the courage to do so...yet. I am ok using my cane in public when somebody else is with me, but I can't bring myself to do it alone. I am so very scared right now. I am lost. I have not given up hope that the old me will return. I mean Preston Burke is returning, to Grey's Anatomy, after seven years, so there is hope.

Meditating during Cefaly session.

Day 8 of Cefaly treatment.

Pretty much sums it up.