Long Road not knowing where it leads

These past few weeks, I just feel worse and worse, instead of better. My migraines are still an issue so but there is so much more to the puzzle. I am getting discouraged because I don't want this to be my new normal. I don't want to have to walk with a cane forever. I don't want to have to straight cath myself the rest of my life. I don't want to suffer short term memory loss. I don't want to struggle trying to find the words that I want to say. I don't want to be viewed as an attention seeker, weak, fearless, etc.

Truth is, I am scared shitless (pardon the bad word). I have no idea where my life is going. What I do know is that my body is attacking itself. I have had a fever for >2 weeks now. I was treated for 7 days with with antibiotics. My primary care doc had me take my thermometer into his office today, to compare with the thermometers in his office. My thermometers are accurate. He is worried that we are going to have to get Infectious Disease involved and do a big work up because I have fever of unknown origin. I am concerned that I am so short of breath, even lying still in bed.

I just can't bring myself to use the cane if I am all by myself. I don't want pity. I take it minute by minute if I have too. Believe me, this is not easy. I try not to complain, but some days, I really get depressed because I can't do the things that I want to do.

On Friday, I was home alone, I don't know what happened but I fell while I was in the bathroom. I have an alarm set, because I am supposed to go every 3 hours whether I have to go or not. If I can't go myself, then I have to cath myself. I remember reaching in the box for the catheter, I don't remember anything after that. I don't know if I had a stroke, a seizure, just lost balance and fell, or what. I woke up at 11:40 and I was lying on the bathroom floor. Jamie even came over to my house during that time because she felt that something wasn't right. She couldn't get in because the door was  locked and she couldn't remember the code for the garage. Ironically, I had told her that I needed to get her a key for our house. My phone was in my bedroom. It scares me. Am I not even safe to be at home alone anymore?

I don't know where this road is going, but I will take things as they come, and learn along my way.

I am so in love with this song, but I can't find it for purchase anywhere.