Grateful!

It is late. I should be sleeping. Instead I am sitting down stairs in my Grandma JoBerta's former chair, listening to my soothing music, soaking in the quietness and peacefullness of my home, and blogging AKA putting my thoughts in writing.

At this moment, I have so much to be grateful for. I suffered for weeks with the worst, debilitating migraine I have ever experienced in my life. I tried my usual abortive medications, Aleve & Axert (a triptan in the Imitrex family). I keep track of headaches, numbness, number of times I had to cath that month, etc. My second abortive med combo is Phenegran and Benadryl (more details in upcoming post). I just counted, I suffered for 28 days with my pain at a 9 or greater. There were days the pain was so bad that I really wished that I would die so that I would not have to hurt anymore. (I was not suicidal, nor did I ever have the thought of taking my own life). I just knew that I was in agony and I cried out in pain anytime I had to move. I passed out frequently, whether from,  nausea, movement, or any number of given things. I feel like the blue puke bag has become a permanent part of my attire.  I was a burden to my husband, children, sisters, friends, etc. 
 I have become an agoraphobic that only comes out for my doctor appointments. If I am not at a Dr. appointment, I am home. I keep a lot of the blinds closed because the sunlight is too bright and hurts my eyes. My neighbors think I am cuckoo, because they never see me.  I can be found in one of two places: Grandma JoBerta's chair or my bed, if I am not you might have luck finding me at some doctor's office between here and Timbuktu!😊

My doctors ask me if I am depressed. Yes, I am depressed, but I am not depressed because of depression. I am depressed because I suffer, I hurt, I don't live with an ideal quality of life, but I continue on. There are days I don't think I can do it another day, so there are times I take it literally minute by minute.

I never know when I will have a good day, bad day, mediocre day. I don't get the privilege to plan my life. I hate it. If I try to make plans ahead of time, I have to cancel, frequently, because my body controls my life. Migraines are the boss. Sometimes I can win, but most of the time, the migraines win, and not in a good way. I can't move, the slightest movement causes so much pain. My hair hurts. I can't pee. I get dizzy. I spend a lot of time with my face inside the blue puke bag. I burrow under the covers, cover my eyes, put my headphones in, with relaxing music that doesn't aggravate the migraine further. I cry. Pain is so intense, I can't breathe. I am short of breath. My resting heart rate is in the 90's to 100's. At any given moment any part of my body can go numb. It is ok if my face or arms go numb, but when either one or both of my legs go numb and I fall, then it's not so good. Last week, I had two very bad falls from my left leg going numb. I've got the bruises to remind me.

I try not to complain, even when I am so miserable I still say "I'm o.k., it's fine". I try to be strong. Last week was the first time that one of my girls have told me they hated me because of my stupid migraines, and she can't do things because of my migraines. I already feel guilty, and man did this just make me feel so much worse. The last thing I want is for my girls to end up hating and resenting me because I was sick all the time. I do everything I can to be there for them.

Friday I had an appointment, for Rick drove because he is the chauffer when he is home. I asked him if we could stop at Sam's really quickly so I coukd get more ribbon for my label maker. After we left Sam's and Rick asked me where to go next. I told him nowhere, let's just get home. Then on a whim, I silently said or you could take me to get my nails done. I wasn't paying attention to where we were driving. I look up and am like where are we going? He told me he was taking me to get my nails done. And he did indeed. I now have sparkly pink, shellac nails. When he came and picked me up, he brought me flowers. Now that right there shows you what a great husband I have. I can't believe he still loves me after all the hard ships I have put him through. Not a day goes by that he doesn't do or say something to tell me he loves me. 

This past weekend was Savannah's dance competition, and I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to make it because of my ailments. I went to bed Friday night with a moderate migraine. I took aleve and two extra strength tylenol when I went to bed. I prayed that I would be well enough to be there for here. My prayers were answered. Rick did not work that day. So he drove Savannah and I to her competition and then drove Mallory to her tumbling class and then mandatory dance rehearsal. Rick and Mallory came to the competition in the afternoon. I kept catching myself crying throughout the day because I was able to be there, and actually be a help to help Savi and share in her joy and excitement. I had moderate pain all day, but I can do moderate pain. I will take moderate pain any day over severe, debilitating pain.

After the competition we came home and watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off. We were a family. We were together. We were happy. And oh, it was wonderful. I just wanted to freeze the clock for a few minutes. I just kept thanking God for letting me have this day with my family, for helping me to remember what life was like without debilitating pain. Saturday was pure bliss!

Sunday came, and I was scared that I would pay for Saturday, and my body was in pain. My body was in pain, but I had no migraine. My muscles were sore, and my back was tender, but I took it. My sister came down to my house and cut and colored my hair. I am so grateful for Mysti to take the time to drive down here and her willingness to do my hair at my house. Thank you Mysti, I know that was no easy task.  She cut so much hair off, and I can't even explain to you how great it felt. The pain, from my hair, on the back of my neck was literally lifted. 

This was the pile of hair that was cut off. I have very thin, very fine hair and I was shocked when I saw all that hair! 

Right side view.

Left side view.

Top, back view.

Front view.

I love my new shorter haircut. Thank you so much Sissy Joe.  M

It was a beautiful day outside, the girls played out there most of the day. I was able to get some of my house cleaned and organized. I was able to accomplish a lot and it felt great.

I woke up this morning and had a migraine coming on. I took Aleve and Axert and it stayed at bay. I went to a neurologist that specializes in the bladder area, because my neurologist was hoping that he might be able to shed some light on my dysfunctional bladder. He comes in and as he's reviewing my history, he tells me that I am a mystery. I am a zebra, and he says "I know I am not the first doctor to tell you this because you have seen some very intelligent doctors. I'm stumped!" Thank you, I said. So, for now, his plan is to try and retrain my bladder. I have to go on a set schedule around the clock, if I can't void on my own, then he wants me to cath to see if there is anything. I have to keep a detailed record of my intake and my output. So I said, "basically I get to be my own nurse and keep track of my I's & O's". He said yes. He wrote out a plan, which includes going to physical therapy. My first appointment is in March. He wanted me to come back in 4 weeks, but he said to call him sooner if this plan was not working.

Lastly, my sweet dog, Ozzy, knows when I am getting a migraine or when I am not doing well. He will not leave my side. If Rick isn't home and I am not doing well, he paces back and forth. As I am typing, Ozzy is lying right next to me. He went up to bed three times and three times he came back downstairs to check on me. He finally decided he was sticking to my side until I went to bed.  He keeps looking at me. I have a migraine that I am trying to ward off. Between the time of the month, storm moving in and all the house work I have accomplished the past few days, are a great brew for a migraine. I am going to bed momentarily, but I just had to share my gratefulness for the past three days. I felt human. I needed it. It rejuvenated me and has given me the strength to keep fighting. I grateful for my husband, Rick, my four girls, my bestie and her hubs, and the rest of my family. As I type this last sentence, the song I want at my funeral is playing. It is "She Can't Be Really Gone", by Tim MaGraw.

Good night all. I see that a lot of people have read my posts, I would to read your comments, so please feel free to leave comments. I need to know that I have cheerleaders out there on the days that I am not doing so great.

This was a week ago. I am so grateful that I have had three "great" days. It is amazing how much difference even one good day makes. It gives me the strength and the courage to keep dancing!

Photo of Mallory and I the day I had to go to LDS hospital for "migraine cocktail" that consisted of magnesium, solu-medrol, phenegran, and toradol.

My dear sister, Rusti, sent me this one day, and I absolutely love it.

Sweet Ozzy, who is 14 in human years. I told him he can never leave me!!

P.S. Please know that I use a lot of humor and sarcasm to cope with all of this. My bestie and Savi have helped me tremendously, so when you see odd pictures of animals and such, please know there is an inside story to it, and it is guaranteed to make me smile and literally laugh out loud!